college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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