Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
