you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
