a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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