My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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