i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
