trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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