i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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