My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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