I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
