is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
where are you?
Hypothermia
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
