god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Randomize
