mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I am one with the molecules
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
