well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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