Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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