Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize