Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
