I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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