no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
