He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
