oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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