how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
