Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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