A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
sarcasm needs its own font
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
