someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
