those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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