Do you still have your period?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
