Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
