shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
