You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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