I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
