I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
