a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize