mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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