Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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