Jerry, you need to find god
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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