How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
