I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
