So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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