I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
