You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
