i may or may not be watching the land before time
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
