i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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