god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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