I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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