I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
