Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
