She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize