When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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