I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
