God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
