and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
