Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
