I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize