my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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