She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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