for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
