I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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