3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i think my tv is drunk
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
