some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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