Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
