So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
